Why?

I've been very affected by the devastation caused by the tornado in Oklahoma. I'm sorry if this post is on the depressing side, but I just felt the need to write out a few thoughts and feelings I'm having.

For some reason, I can at least get my head around other horrors in life and have a little understanding of why bad things happen. As shocking as 9/11 was, as horrific as the massacre in Newtown was, as unsettling as the recent Boston bombings were, etc., I can at least figure things out in my head and give it some kind of meaning.

But I can't do the same for so-called "natural disasters." It's not like there's a terrorist or political motivation behind it. It's not like there's some evil person making all this happen. There really seems to be no rhyme or reason.

I don't know very much about religion or theology or God. Not enough to use that to try and understand why something like this happens. 

I think that's why this is so hard for me. I can't come up with any kind of explanation whatsoever. None.

I'm just so sad that dozens of people lost their lives, including a number of children. Just ordinary people like me. Living their normal lives. Here one minute and literally gone the next minute.

My counselor tells me that it's important to let myself feel whatever emotions I have. Then, he says, I can work to understand what they're about.

So I'm feeling this emotion... all this sadness... 

And I understand what it's about.

But I can't make it have any kind of meaning. It all seems so random and senseless.

I come up with nothing. Except the unanswerable question, "Why?" 

Stronger than I think?

Hey everybody.

I wanted to share a little more about my experience going to Macy's and being a little -- okay, a LOT -- more open about being seen as a guy who sometimes likes to buy and wear a little makeup.

I started out writing this really long post about almost every detail of what happened on Saturday and realized I haven't even had the chance to work out all my feelings about what this meant to me. Like I said yesterday, the weekend was a little busier than we expected and I guess I've been wanting to just sit down and talk to Matty about how I felt about it.

I'm typing this late Monday night and we just finished this really cool talk about it and I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world or something. So I decided to take my time and maybe share just little bits of what happened over the week.

So today I wanted to tell you one major thing that happened and then I'll fill in the other details during the week.

I mentioned yesterday that I was brave enough to walk to one of the counters without turning back. Believe me, though, my heart was beating like crazy and my anxiety was really high... BUT I didn't turn back!

So here's what I want to tell you today. When I got to the counter this really nice lady walked over and had a little smile on her face and asked if she could help me. Inside I was thinking of telling her, "Oh, I'm sorry, can you tell me where men's ties are?" Can you believe that? It's like, huh, where did that come from? I guess it's funny what anxiety can make you think!

After talking to Matty earlier tonight I realized that there's still this part of me that's concerned that people are going to judge me -- a guy -- for being interested in something the majority of men are not interested in. Or, to put it bluntly, are going to judge me for being interested in something that's not "manly." There I said it. I hate that was going on inside my head, but I'm being honest.

I'm not as far along in accepting myself for who I am as I thought. I was also thinking, "This lady is now going to know I'm gay and might be disgusted by that." Not a pretty thought, right? I HATE that was going on inside me, but I'm trying to be honest here so I can learn from this.

So when I was thinking about chickening out and asking her where men's ties are located, that was the part of me that was looking for something she wouldn't judge me for. So I still have more to work on.

BUT... I didn't say what was in my mind and somehow found some courage to say, "Yes. I'm interested in some eyeliner." Now, believe me, I have absolutely NO need for additional eyeliner, but that's what popped out. Maybe because I'm already comfortable with eyeliner and I know some guys like to wear it occasionally. So in one way that was a safe thing to say. But I have to take this one step at a time, right? So I'm not being hard on myself for putting that out there.

THEN this nice lady looked at me and said, "Oh. Is this for your girlfriend?" Believe me I was NOT expecting that. It sorta threw me off balance for a second because I hadn't anticipated that response.

But guess how I handled it? I'm actually proud of myself for not saying what I wanted to which might have been something like, "No. I don't have a girlfriend. And why are you assuming I'm straight?" I guess I didn't say that because she seemed really nice and maybe other guys buy cosmetic items for their girlfriends so maybe she was thinking I was in that category.

What I said was, "No, this is for me. My boyfriend and I are going to a party next weekend and I'll be wearing a black shirt and jeans and I need something that will go with that."

WHAT? Did I actually say that? YAY me!

To her credit she didn't bat an eye and very quickly said, "Oh, I'm so sorry I said what I did. Please forgive me. I think I have a few colors that you might be interested in. You said a black shirt, right?"

To make a long story short, she was extremely helpful and interested and before I left she apologized again and gave me this coupon for $25.00 off my next purchase! Can you believe that? WOW!

So here's what I learned about this:

1. I want to get completely comfortable with any gender-related issues I have. Specifically, to feel 100% at ease being a man who occasionally likes to purchase and wear makeup items.

2. I want to be secure in standing up for myself, even if it means challenging other people's notions about gender-related matters. Because there are men to like to sometimes wear makeup. And this is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. As a matter of fact, it's something to feel PROUD of because those of us who like wearing makeup deserve to be seen and deserve credit for being true to ourselves.

So YAY me! LOL!

Stay tuned... more to come! 

I did it! And so did Matty!

I can't wait to write this up in a little more detail. This is just a tiny preview!

The weekend turned out to be a little busier than we expected, so I'm working on writing about the little excursion I took to Macy's cosmetics this past Saturday.

Oh wait, I guess I should say big excursion to Macy's cosmetics. So, yeah, it was a BIG deal for me. I'm sure the vast majority of people don't get highly anxious when they stop by the makeup counter at Macy's or wherever. For me, my anxiety started even before I walked in the store.

I'm trying not to be so down on myself for having this stupid anxiety, but it was still there anyway. Matty said it's probably not going to be there as much next time I go and pretty soon it won't even be there at all. Makes sense to me.

So I have to give myself credit for doing this. But I have to be honest and say I started having some second thoughts when we walked in the entrance. Then when I spotted the actual cosmetic counters those second thoughts almost made me turn around and postpone the whole thing.

At this point Matty and I were walking side-by-side and I turned to look at him and he gave me one of his smiles and squeezed my hand. He didn't say a word but those gestures were all I needed, I guess.

I had already decided I wanted to do this by myself without my usual security blanket (aka Matty), so he took off for another part of the store and I headed to the cosmetic counters.

And I made it to the counters without turning back. It almost wasn't a success because of the initial reaction of the sales person but I ACTUALLY HANDLED THAT LITTLE (or big) OBSTACLE QUITE WELL, if I do say so myself!

So I just need a little time to write this up because I want to include some of the things my self-talk was saying, but can I just say this for now:

I DID IT!

Oh, and Matty did it, too! He bought his truck! It's so sweet seeing him be like a new dad or mom to his new pickup truck! He even named it, but I'll let him tell you all about that!

In the meantime, I actually did it! Imagine that!

Thanks to Madison Parker for
designing this for me.
Should I wear this next time
I go to Macy's? LOL!

Gay Fiction

I came across an interesting article and wanted to pass along the link in case you have an interest in gay fiction.

This is what got my interest:

"If gay people are part of the human experience, then why are mainstream publishers and straight readers so quick to keep gay characters in the closet?

"What I know — what all writers like to think they know — is the human heart. And that is what we write about: gay, straight, male, female, black, white, young, old — we all write about the universal truths of the human heart. I use primarily gay characters to reveal those truths because they’re the ones who come most naturally to my keyboard. Some characters occasionally come to me in female bodies or in heterosexual couplings, and I listen just as closely to them."

Advocate.com - Op-ed: Gay Fiction Is Everybody's Fiction, by Lewis DeSimone 

Thanks for what YOU add to the blog!

We both want to say a big Thank You for all the comments everybody left on my post yesterday! To be honest, I wasn't sure if it would be something people would find interesting or leave many comments for, so I was pleasantly blown away at your response! Both of us are really looking forward to trying some of the things people shared with us.

In addition, this is one of the things we both love about the blog. We share little snippets of our lives with you and then you in turn share little bits of yourselves with us... and other readers.

So, this is just a BIG Thank You! Thank you making the blog something we both really look forward to each day! You guys are great!

5 things I love

I thought it might be interesting to have a little thought-provoking fun today.

When I was getting some help in high school for my ADHD, one thing my counselor taught me is the importance of writing things down. He was very big on keeping a "Things to Do" list and checking items off when I completed them.

Ever since then I've enjoyed keeping lists of different things. My counselor suggested I keep a notebook where I keep a list of different goals I have for my life. With ADHD I had a tendency to want to accomplish so many different things that I would get overwhelmed and feel defeated. 

Keeping this notebook helped me organize my goals so I could think things through instead of my mind going from one goal to another in this endless cycle of excitement. BTW, I like the word "excitement" better than "hyper." It just sounds more positive to my ears. Anyway, I better move along or I'll start going off on 20 different tangents right now! See how my brain works? LOL!

So here's my list of "5 Things I Love" and I invite you to come up with your own list to share with everyone here. You can make your list about anything you want such as "5 things I love about my life," or "5 things I love about reading," or "5 things I love about getting older," etc. Mine is just going to be "free association." 

5 Things I Love

by Matty

1. I love seeing how my sense of humor can make people smile and laugh.

2. I love knowing that something I've written has helped somebody feel less burdened in their life.

3. I love how free I feel when I'm dancing.

4. I love watching a really small baby break into a big belly laugh.

5. I love coming home at the end of a long day and seeing Brad's face light up when I walk in the door. I feel so special when I see that look on his sweet face.

Now it's your turn. What are 5 things you love?

Slowing down

Things have been pretty hectic around here and we sometimes don't even realize the toll it takes on us.

While life is happening all around us, I guess we just operate on automatic pilot or something. We get up in the morning, go through all our routines, head to classes, go to work, and on and on.

I thought going to school would in some ways get easier as time went on, and I guess it has in some ways. But it seems the coursework just gets harder each semester as you get closer to graduating.

Sitting in class, going to the library, going to labs, meeting with classmates to coordinate projects we were working on, doing research, trying to understand that research so a paper could be written that would meet the standards of some pretty demanding professors.

But final exams are now behind us. I'm really happy about that but also feel exhausted... mentally and physically. I hope all this doesn't come across as whining. But... well, I guess I deserve the right to whine every once in a while, right? :)

Then there was the Boston Marathon bombings. That really took a toll on both of us. It was more than just reading about and watching a terror attack on the news from some faraway place.

We were actually on the sidelines of the Marathon watching the runners. Matty's aunt was running that day. Then about five days later, the town where we live on the outskirts of Boston was included in a police lock-down while they tried to corner one of the suspects.

We couldn't leave the house, which meant no school and no work. It may sound silly to say, but it really felt like we were trapped. Nobody was outside. No traffic. Businesses were closed. It was really eerie. Or surreal is the word lots of people used for that day.

On the plus side, Matty had his 21st birthday! It's been so nice watching how he celebrated and understanding what this "rite of passage" meant to him.

Another plus is we're making nice progress in doing some renovations on the house. Even though things has been out of place and a little disordered, it's nice to see how the projects are shaping up.
Then I had that whole experience where I bought some makeup items at the pharmacy and took the items to the cashier by myself, without my security blanket (Matty) close by. Again, this may sound small, but to me it was huge. It actually felt like "coming out" in one way... being more public... dealing with my anxiety... being seen.

Mainly what I'm feeling now is the need to slow down. Just relax. Go at a different pace. We haven't even talked much about taking a vacation. It feels like somebody set our lives on cruise control and we're trying to re-set it from 80 mph to maybe 35 mph.

This weekend Matty is getting his truck. And I'm going to Macy's for my big "Makeup Coming Out." By myself... Matty is going with me to the mall but when we get to Macy's, he'll be on his own to occupy and entertain himself!

Here's something I'm going to try and make for the weekend just to celebrate "Slowing Down." Looks good, huh? I'm relaxing just looking at this picture! :)

What about you? Do you have any summer vacation plans? Hope whatever you do is relaxing and enjoyable.

Thoughts that steal your joy

I haven't given any recent updates on my counseling sessions, so I thought I'd share a little bit because I think I'm (slowly) making some progress I'm proud of. I also thought sharing this might be helpful to someone who might relate to some of my stuff.

A lot of my sessions lately have been about how horrible I treat myself sometimes. I'm trying to do better because it affects my relationship with Matty, it affects how well I do in school, it makes me go into these anxiety and sad moods, and it makes my world smaller than I'd like it to be.

My therapist calls this my "negative self-talk." He gave me a handout on how all this works and it says, "Self-talk is what we say to ourselves in response to any given situation."

Five thoughts I have sometimes that steal my joy:

1. I'm not man enough.

2. I'm not social enough.

3. I'll never be a success professionally.

4. I suck at everything I do.

5. I'm not as smart as other people.

And this is how I'm trying to think about myself:

1. I'm not man enough. "I" get to decide what "being a man" is, not society or my dad or anybody. I might be femme in some ways, but nobody gets the right to say "That's not how a man acts." I don't have to prove anything to anybody except myself. "I" get to define for myself what being a man is. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm man enough.

2. I'm not social enough. Being social doesn't come easy for me. I don't have to see this as a deficit. Yeah, I'm shy, but lots of people are. It's just part of my personality and I can think of a lot of advantages of being shy. So, for me, I'm social enough.

3. I'll never be a success professionally: How do I know that? How can I know that right now? All I have to do is stay focused on doing the best job I can with my studies. Right now everything looks like I'm heading in the right direction. Am I the most intelligent person who ever lived? Haha! Not by a long shot. Am I bright enough to keep working on my potential to be a professional chef some day? Yes. I just need to stay focused on the facts, not my fears.

4. I suck at everything I do. My therapist says this is just a feeling I get sometimes when I get discouraged. There's a big difference between feelings and facts. This is also an example of "all or nothing" thinking. Nobody sucks at everything they do. Whenever I feel this way, I need to get into what my therapist calls my "rational mind" so I can challenge my emotions.

5. I'm not as smart as other people. Okay. That may be a fact if "other people" means the entire population of the Earth. I only need to be smart enough to set goals, work hard, and reach my potential. Nothing good comes out of comparing myself to others. I only need to compare myself to me.

 

(Thanks to Madison Parker for sending me this quote.

The source of the image can be found here.)

Meet Matty, the thong lap dancer!

So I mentioned the other day that the guys I work with took Brad and me out to dinner on Saturday night for my birthday.

There's this local restaurant/bar they like to go to sometimes after work and that's where they took us. Mind you, it's definitely not in any rating book where they give stars! This is just a really nice local watering hole where they have about 10 different types of the absolute best hamburgers you'll ever find anywhere!

When we got there they bought me a beer in the bar and we all just joked around a lot and then we got this big table in the dining room. After having a lot of lively conversation and joking around, my boss got everybody's attention and announced that they had all chipped in and bought me a "special" birthday present. I'm thinking, "Aw. That's really nice of them."

Well..... these guys are known for playing all kinds of practical jokes and pranks and this was going to be no exception! But I had no idea their little prank was going to be so well thought out. AND they discovered playing a joke like this on moi would not go unmatched!

Just a little background. Every summer my boss and his wife invite all of us to their home for a pool party and barbecue.  So when Brad and I go I'm always myself and wear a Speedo for swimming. The first year some of the guys gave me all kinds of catcalls but their wives or girlfriends would clap and whoot and holler, and everybody seemed to have a good time with it.

So on Saturday night, my boss got everybody's attention and presented me with this tiny wrapped gift box with a big red ribbon on top. I very carefully opened it and looked inside and burst out laughing when I pulled out this itsy-bitsy little red thong! My boss said he expects me to wear it this summer for the pool party instead of my Speedos!

So naturally the guys started catcalling and making a big commotion. So I held up the thong and proceeded to put it on my head! Next I stood up and held it to my waist area and then......
......at a big table across the room, about a dozen women started chanting, "Put - it - on! Put - it - on! Put - it - on!" We all turned in that direction and saw some Happy Birthday balloons on their table, so they were obviously celebrating somebody's birthday there!

Then the guys at our table got kinda quiet and looked to me like I was the MC or something. So what does Matty do? I'm still standing with my red thong in my hand. I look at Brad who is turning five shades of red and is closing his eyes. I turned in the direction of the kitchen and called the waitress over and asked with a very sly grin, "Would you ask the manager if I could change into this (holding up the red thong) so I can have a little fun?"

Well, she knew I was just kidding and played along. "Sure. And let me bring out the dancing pole for you also!" When she said that, everybody broke out in huge applause.

At this point I realized that I probably needed to simmer things down a bit. Plus Brad had a playful grin and I could tell he was thinking the same thing.

When I sat back down I threatened to go ahead and put the thing on and give each one of them a lap dance instead! Well..... they starting yelling, "Noooooooooo! Oh my God, nooooo!"

Well, needless to say, I think everybody had a great time. So far at work this week, everybody has been playfully joking around with me about the whole thing. One person said he thought I might wear the thong to work, but I joked back that there was hardly any room for my hammer and tape measure and other stuff that's usually hanging from my work belt!

I did tell them I might be quitting work soon to see if I can find work as a "thong pole dancer" or "thong lap dancer." Wonder if they make good tips? Hmmmmmmm.

(I'm reading this post to Brad right now and he's just rolling his eyes! --- I think he really wants his own private lap dance. Excuse us now if you don't mind.........)

Have a beer and pop some wood

I promise not to run this in the ground by writing endless posts about turning 21. It's just that this experience is still new to me and I'm learning different things about what my age means to me. And I have something funny to share about Saturday night when the guys from work took Brad and me out for a little celebration.

Okay, so last week, on Thursday, when I turned "21 + 1 day", I decided I wanted to go to the liquor store and buy a six-pack of beer. No big deal, right? Countless millions of people across the globe buy beer or liquor every single day.

But for some reason being able to walk in a store and legally buy my first beer felt like a Big Deal. Two things happened that were totally unexpected:

1. I walked in the store and my heart started beating like crazy. I started feeling a little hot and some sweat broke out under my arms, so thank God I was wearing a dark blue t-shirt because there would have been HUGE sweat spots highly noticeable from my pits! I was thinking, "Am I starting to have some kind of panic attack?" You would have thought I was robbing a bank and the alarm was blasting! Weird. Totally weird to me.

2. Okay, I'm just going to say it. When I got to the refrigerated case where the beer was, I popped a woody. And, no, there were no hot looking guys around. And, no, I was not having any sexual fantasies in my brain. There was no room for sexual fantasies because of this anxiety thing going on. As a matter of fact, there was absolutely nothing sexual about this whole experience, right?

Then why did I pop a woody when I reached inside the case to grab the beer? Is this a "guy thing" or something? There was definitely some kind of "tingle" thing going on that happens when you feel really charged up! Weird.

Then, in order to get to the cashier, I had to sort of lean over a bit and hold the beer in front of my crotch! Which just made me even more conspicuous! And anxious! So this better not happen again or I may have to find a store that makes deliveries or something!! LOL. Again, totally weird to me.

Anyway, the six-pack of beer is still sitting in our fridge. I didn't buy it so I could enjoy a beer at home. I didn't buy it so it would be there to offer a guest if somebody stopped by. I think I just bought it because, well, I could.

So if you're in the neighborhood and feel like stopping by, just ring the doorbell and come on in. And while you're here, can I offer you a beer? I promise not to be nervous serving it...                                                                

And I promise not to pop a woody! 

At least I hope! ;)

For all you are, and all you do

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mothers.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who have mothers.

And a BIG HUG to all of you if your mother is no longer with you.

The celebration goes on and on

Today might be a whirlwind for us. My family and Brad's family have conspired to join forces to celebrate my 21st birthday. We're talking immediate families and extended families. Parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and so on.

Then the guys at work are throwing some kind of bash for me this evening. There's this local restaurant/bar they like to go to sometimes after work for a beer, and they're threatening to get me "plastered"... which if you think about it sounds about as much fun as eating alien droppings. So that will definitely not be happening. Maybe a beer at the bar and maybe something with dinner, but "plastered"? Yeah, right!

But they're going to buy dinner for Brad and I, which will be really nice. Oh, and they're also planning some kind of prank, which they're famous for. Something that will be publicly embarrassing. They promised it won't be anything crude or disgusting, so I can't wait to see what they have up their sleeves. I'll most likely share the story with you next week.

In the meantime... Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Bromo?

This may seem like a strange thing to bring up but I'm asking this just out of curiosity because neither Matty nor I have heard these words before. I feel like I'm so behind in certain terminology.

I overheard some guys at school use the term "bromo" and had no clue what it meant so when I got home I looked it up.

We were wondering if any of you are familiar with them and do you use them in conversations or have you heard others use them.

Bromo: The abbreviated version of "brother from another mother." An affectionate term that a man may use for another man he is close friends with in a brotherly way, not sexual. (urbandictionary)   Bromo: Dudes that happen to be gay, but aren't flamboyant at all. Prefer to go drink beer at a buddy's place, rather than go to the gay bar and pay for overpriced cocktails and listen to bouncy, campy club songs. (urbandictionary) Bromosexual: A bro of yours that you may be gay with. (urbandictionary)   If you've heard these terms before, what's your take on them?

What's in a number?

Thanks to everyone for wishing me a happy 21st birthday yesterday! Your comments here and through social media and personal emails really mean a lot to me.

I was expecting my 21st birthday would feel like a Big Deal, but not in the exact way it turned out.

I'm writing this late in the afternoon on Wednesday (before Brad and I leave for my Birthday Dinner), so I want to develop this idea a little further because it feels important to me.

When I had a few moments by myself today, this is what kept running around in my brain:

"I'm a full adult now." 

I mean, I've felt something like an adult for some time now, but there's something really different to me about being 21 that feels different from being 20.

Maybe I'm over thinking this, but for some reason I feel a little more settled inside. That's probably not the most accurate way to describe what I'm feeling, but it's the best I can come up with right now. Remember, I'm just jotting down what's on my mind in the moment and I'll develop it a little more in the days ahead.

For now, I feel more grownup. More responsible. More mature. Notice I said "feel." I'm basically the exact same person today as I was yesterday. But there's something about that number that's making me slow down and take notice of how I feel different inside. Or maybe it's making me think about myself differently.

I've been enjoying all the birthday wishes I've gotten today, and I've been laughing and joking around with the guys at work. So it's been a fun day. But when I get a moment to myself, I'm aware that I feel a little more wise, a little more mature, a little more responsible. There's a seriousness about all this that is kind of surprising me.

I don't ever want to lose the "kid" inside me. The part that likes to joke around, the part that makes people laugh, the part that's fun-loving and free-spirit. I literally LOVE that about me.

I guess what I'm realizing right now as I'm writing this is that there's this other part that's alive now. The mature part, the grownup part, the responsible part. Or maybe I'm just noticing it more today. Maybe it's always been there.

The number "21" is making me see more of who I am, if that makes any sense.

I actually like what's going on inside me today. It feels like something important. Something I want to think about some more so I can understand it better.

"I'm 21 years old today." Every time I say that it feels unfamiliar and yet familiar. But the main thing I'm getting out of this is how important it seems for me to understand why it's taking me a little more time and thought to get use to hearing that simple sentence, "I'm 21 years old today."

I'm starting to like the sound of it. But I have to be honest and say it still doesn't feel like it fits me yet. Like buying a new suit (which I only wear if it's required for a wedding, a funeral, or a formal dinner) and noticing that it feels totally weird and foreign to be wearing. I'm the same person inside but the suit makes me feel like another person... someone playing a part... someone playing a role.

Maybe it will just take some time to figure all this out. It's cool... but unfamiliar. Who would have have thought the number "21" would make me feel all this?

♥Happy 21st Birthday!♥

Join me today in wishing Matty a HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!

 

I was originally planning on asking a few friends to join us tonight in going somewhere special for dinner. Know what Matty said? "I appreciate you wanting to do that, but would you mind if I spent my birthday with just you? Just the two of us?" So tonight it's just the two of us. I know it's his birthday but knowing he wants to just spend it with me makes me feel special, too.

 

Then this weekend there are 3 different celebrations going on. His family and my family are having a celebration for him.

 

Then the guys Matty works with are throwing him a party.

 

Then a bunch of our friends have gotten together and planned something really special.

 

And I'm going to continue my annual birthday "bare bottom spanking" tradition tonight! He gets one spank for each year. Then he gets one additional spank for "good luck," another one for "best wishes," one spank for "being fully legal now," one "to grow on," one spank for "being a good boy" (somewhat questionable! lol), one spank for "being a bad boy," (not questionable), one spank for "being adorable," (mostly), one spank "to be a good boy" (much needed) LOL!

 

♥Happy Birthday, Matty!♥